It’s a strange paradox to live with. People look at you and see someone comfortable, confident, and outgoing. They see you on a stage, leading a meeting, or laughing in a group, and assume you are a natural extrovert. But inside, a completely different story is unfolding. A story of intense self-talk, waves of anxiety, and a deep-seated desire to retreat to the quiet comfort of home. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.
This is the hidden world of the outgoing introvert.
Many of us who are introverted have learned to navigate an extroverted world. We’ve developed skills to engage, to speak, and to lead. Yet, the energy it takes to “turn it on” is immense. It’s a constant battle between what the world sees and what we feel. This post is for anyone who has ever felt that pull—the struggle with imposter syndrome, the pre-event anxiety, and the quiet victory of just showing up.
The Imposter in the Mirror
One of the biggest challenges is the persistent feeling of being an imposter. You might achieve something significant, like publishing a book, and yet the voice of self-doubt whispers that you are not worthy. It tells you that you don’t belong in the spotlight, that you’re just pretending.
I recently experienced this firsthand when I was invited to give a book talk at The Next Chapter. It was an exciting opportunity, a milestone I had worked towards for years. I knew I would see familiar, friendly faces in the audience.
Logically, it should have been a purely joyful event. But the days leading up to it were filled with a gnawing anxiety. The internal monologue was relentless: What if I’m not as articulate as they expect? What if I forget what I want to say? Am I really qualified to be doing this?
This feeling is a classic symptom of imposter syndrome. It’s the deep-seated belief that you have fooled everyone into thinking you are more competent than you actually are. For introverts, who often spend a great deal of time in introspection and self-analysis, this feeling can be particularly strong. We are acutely aware of our perceived shortcomings, which makes it difficult to accept our successes.
The Mountain of “Getting There”
The actual event is often not the hardest part. The true battle is the mental and emotional effort required just to get yourself out the door. It’s the anticipation, the overthinking, and the powerful urge to cancel and stay home where it’s safe and predictable.
My husband, when I mentioned this to him, said he feels the same way about similar situations. It’s a comfort thing. The energy drain begins long before you arrive. It’s spent on self-pep talks, on calming your racing heart, and on pushing back against the overwhelming desire for solitude. For an introvert, walking into a room full of people can feel like climbing a mountain. Once you’re at the summit, the view is often great, but the climb itself is exhausting.
Balancing Your Nature with the World’s Demands
So, how do we manage this? How do we honor our introverted nature while still engaging with a world that often demands extroversion? It’s not about changing who we are, but about finding a sustainable balance.
Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings
The first and most crucial step is to recognize that your feelings are valid. It is okay to feel nervous, anxious, or drained by social situations. Pushing these feelings away or criticizing yourself for having them only makes it worse. Instead, treat yourself with compassion. Say to yourself, “This is hard for me, and that’s okay. It takes courage to do this.”
Master the Art of the Pep Talk
Positive self-talk is not a cliché; it’s a survival tool for the outgoing introvert. Before a challenging event, remind yourself of your capabilities. Recall past instances where you felt anxious but ended up doing just fine, or even enjoying yourself. Counter the voice of the imposter with evidence of your accomplishments. This internal conversation is your armor.
Plan for Recovery Time
If you know you are going to expend a large amount of social energy, plan for recovery. Don’t schedule back-to-back social events. Build quiet time into your calendar to recharge. This isn’t selfish; it’s necessary maintenance. Giving yourself permission to retreat and recharge allows you to show up more fully when you need to.
Redefine Success
Success doesn’t always have to mean being the life of the party. Sometimes, success is simply showing up. It’s pushing through the anxiety to attend the meeting. It’s getting on that stage and sharing your story, even if your hands are shaking. Celebrate these victories, no matter how small they may seem to others. They are a testament to your strength and resilience.
You Are Not Just an Introvert; You Are Brave
Living as an outgoing introvert means you are constantly stepping outside your comfort zone. It means you are brave enough to face your anxieties for the sake of connection, career, and personal growth. People may not see the internal struggle, the hours of preparation, or the deep breaths you take before walking through the door. But it’s there. And it’s a sign of incredible strength.
The next time you feel that familiar pull to stay home, remember that the world needs your voice, your ideas, and your unique presence. It’s okay if it takes a little extra effort to share it. You are not an imposter. You are an introvert who has learned to shine, and that is a powerful thing to be.
